Coming Out

I was honored by my student who shared his essay that he wrote for an event on our campus, "Coming Out Stories".  Today is the National Coming Out day. 

There were many stories that were shared that evening on our campus, and as one other student who told me what he observed during the evening - there were no happy endings where everyone, parents, family, friends lived happily ever aftert.  He said the stories were powerful and most carried pain, confusion, suffering.

And with permission from my student, and in recognition and support of our National Coming Out Day;

BLUE EYES

Maybe it was his deep blue eyes infused with a smirk of green, or his exceptional transcending smile. Or maybe it was the fact that he liked to party, was a smoker, lived out life to the fullest and in the midst of it all he had an indescribable sense of humor. Perhaps it was the fact that he came from a big city like Chicago—who knows, whatever it was Gregory C. had what I needed and wanted most.

What made it even better was that he liked me too. What he saw in me, well no clue—he would say that it had to do with my quirky sense of humor. Looking back I regret allowing someone as incredible as him to simply pass by. The combination of internal and external fear is what kept me away. Gregory brought forth a set of emotions I long oppressed.  For the longest time something within me would tell me that there was still hope and time to be straight. I simply wanted to put distance with homosexuality. I thought if I ignored it long enough then it would soon go away.  I just had to fix the way I acted, the way I thought—in reality all I had to do was be willing to change who I am.

The trade off is best explained by Franz Kafka, it is sometimes safer to live in chains than to be free. In all honesty that is true. Voicing any of these thoughts would liberate me but it would also put me in a place to be hurt by others. I guess I needed to find someone with whom I could open up and truly be vulnerable. With so much going on in my life I didn’t know what to do. But most importantly I had no one around me supporting me along the way. The thoughts soon enough enslaved my happiness. All I wanted was to be heard and to be appreciated.

The opportunity I was looking for was right around the corner. I finally saw relief in my near future. I would soon be visiting a dear friend of mine. I was going to tell him and soon after such a heavy burden would be lifted. I would be liberated. The anticipation of this internal freedom offered the hope of peace I was longing for.  I was going to come out to the right person. He was going to be understanding, he was going to supportive—he would be a person willing to assure me that I was doing well in this new freighting process. Something in me told me that there would be no other best first person to tell. He is someone I trust and respect —to a certain point I was seeking some type of approval that would endorse the fact that me being gay would be okay. It would be okay for the simple fact that I would have someone by my side even if I felt that my world was crumbling to pieces.

I am gay. I said it.  I can’t believe I just told him. This had been the first time I’ve ever said that precise phrase out loud. Before then, all of it was in my mind—it was distant—but now it was real. Now things had changed. Things did in fact change—while his words were affirmative—those words were limited by his actions. I was visiting for a whole week. This week became one I regretted. The way I was treated was compromised by superficial warmth through the means of words, but his actions were compromised by a cold front.

When it came to being around his new friends it seemed that these new friends were in fact better. At that moment I felt like that piece of old furniture collecting dust simply sitting there because that’s all it could do, and soon enough it would be replaced. He was now a different person. Talking about accepting others, wanting change, wanting to voice those under oppression—yet he took on the roll of the oppressor the moment things actually changed.

 See that’s the thing with people, asking for change yet they have no idea what that is going to mean. At any given point we all seek change ideally with it never affecting us.

The way I was treated when I came out made me feel so obsolete, worthless, purposeless, and in all honesty it made me feel like I was going to be replaced by any straight person.

This brings me to now. I am somewhat ashamed. I am confused. Let’s see where life takes me from here.

Live Fully

Today, one of our writing prompts was to continue practicing NOT fixing anything – people, family, friends, places or things or perhaps even yourself.  Just be a good witness to life.  Don’t fix, don’t offer advice, don't offer solutions – just listen and be.  Don’t be the problem solver, just notice what you notice and let it go.  Observe what happens to them, to yourself.

And here is what I wrote.

I dreamed of dying this early morning. Cancer. I have had cancer and have been in remission for over 10 years.  I know what cancer can look like and in my dream I was impressed with the sense of déjà vu, and the detail of my illness as only happens in dreams.

But this dream was different. I was in advanced stages and I knew that the end would come soon in my dream. When I woke up, gently, not like coming out of a nightmare, there was incredible peace, a sense of letting go of the fear of dying. An acceptance.  

I laid there and told my husband about my dream.  And that I was filled with the wonder and the gift of letting go of the fear of dying.  I am currently in excellent health, and so the dream did not feel like a premonition as much as an insight to my future.

So many have passed on, and I have been fortunate to have been with my father, my mother, and my sister just before they died. Perhaps losing others to death is harder than contemplating my own death. There is no fixing I realize for this end stage of life. And so I am calmed knowing my time will come whenever it is right. I’ve got a lot of living yet to do, and I plan to live fully in each moment.

P.S. I remember at my uncle's funeral last fall, as I was expressing my condolences to my cousin, he said don't worry - they're happy now. There are your relatives and our uncle-he makes a fourth for their mah jong party in the sky. Don't be sad, he said, we'll join them when it is our turn. And I smiled through the service. No fixing, just accepting.

Loving the Unlovable

In responding to our writing prompt, "In what ways did you extend love to an unlovable person in your life?"on the Project 137-Live Well, Love Fully, Let Go Deeply, I wrote the following;

I remember years ago that I thought about this and decided to call my father. Nothing had happened at that moment, but things had not been the best though they were getting better. Some ups, some downs. And of my own thinking and processing with my husband, I decided to call and let him know that we loved him, that we would always be there and particularly when he got older.

The word "love" to use in our regular conversation was rare, a bit unusual.  In our Chinese language, I'm not sure of the direct translation in Chinese for the word love because I've never used it.  We didn't talk about love or use the term like we do in our regular daily English usage.  I love you.  I love my dog.  I love the weather!  In our English usage, the word is very common.  But in my understanding of Cantonese and in our family, the word and deeper meaning of love - well, I didn't use it like I would use the word in English.  When my mom would speak about her deep love for us, she had many other words that conveyed the same meaning and yes, of course, I knew she "loved" us deeply.

Perhaps deeper in my culture is not the concept of love that is the driver, but the concept of obligation and responsibility.  And though in Western culture, these concepts may seem peripheral, they are concepts that are core to who I am as well as the concept of the action of love, of loving.  To love is to uphold one's obligation and responsibility to its highest order, unquestioning, unconditional, and forever.  It was never so clear as when I decided to call my dad to let him know I was now committing myself to them forever - just in case he was wondering.

I told my dad that he could always count on me and my husband to take care of them in their elder years and we would want them to come live with us, and perhaps more importantly, we would come home and care for them there. We wouldn't uproot them from their beloved Chinatown. 

Bank on it was what I told him expecting that he would be gruff and reject the offer, etc being a bit of a curmudgeon that he was. Dead silence and then I realized that he was crying. I said, dad, what's wrong and he couldn't answer. My mom came on the line and said what did you do? what did you say? and I told her too. And she went silent. Who knew they were worried about this, and she cried too, and told me she was so happy and they worried about this exact thing -being left alone in their old age.  My siblings had moved away.  My parents were feuding with my uncles and aunts, cyclical as happens in families.  And I'm sure they were feeling the loneliness of the absence of a central family.

They weren't unlovable, but they were difficult, and we had had our moments over the years. I got off the phone and told my husband what had happened.  We hugged each other knowing that we were clear of purpose, and that we had in deciding to love and to affirm our obligation and responsibility, we had given a great gift to my parents. Life surprises when you love.

The Louie Family in Disneyland, 1958

Ten Minutes at one time.

I don't know where I got the idea, but this year I am teaching differently.  Maybe these past six months off from work has expanded my creative space.

I'm listening harder, more closely, to my students and surely to my inner voice spurred by observing my students.  Listening carefully to what may be going on with them.  Particularly the seniors. What do they need in this last year of college?  What are they worried about as this transition into another new life approaches at lightning speed?  What do they really need, now?

Each day there are so many uncertainties, and the future may seem chaotic and bleak depending on what is happening locally, regionally, nationally and globally.  Romney and Obama duking it out in their campaigns and demonstrating each day that they think they have it over the next person.  Creating a battleground out of our nation.  Iran, Syria, Afghanistan clobbering each other within and without.  Unrest all over the globe to say nothing of the ice melting, air polluting, and our natural resources slipping away each minute.  And the air here is so thick from our forest fires that we kid each other that we'll run away to L.A. for better air.

And so what can I do to help our seniors?  What would make sense amidst this cacaphony of needs, worries, and troubles? What would be most helpful for these seniors, how can I help them make sense of this life and the world before them?  And I decided to help them focus on who they are and what is important for them.  So that they can grasp and learn how to make sense of their lives and make meaning each day.  How to focus, how to see more clearly what is in their hands, and to gain clarity as to how they want to move forward as leaders for our world.

The first day of class I asked them to create a timeline, a continuum.  Start  with when they applied to our college and the scholarship program.  Move through to this moment in class.  List the good, the bad, and the ugly, I said.  What has happened over these four years since submitting that college application?

And they were quiet while writing and filling their sheet of paper.  I said put it all down, markers for their personal, their social, their spiritual, and certainly their academic life experiences.  10 minutes.

I asked them to share what this writing process brought forward to them, not necessarily the actual events or situations in detail.  But the feeling that this reflection of their timeline - how did this feel?  And they were overwhelmed and surprised how full their lives have been.  10 minutes at time.

Next class, we followed with another 10-minute write - list what you have learned.  What do you mean?! they said.  What we've learned for ourselves? You decide - just begin writing, you decide what this question means for you.  Hand cramps.  Furious writing, complete silence.  They were not finished at the end of 10 minutes, and I asked them to pause.  What struck you, what do you want to share, I asked.  And it poured forth, powerful emotions, stunning insights, clarity of focus and realizations of what their lives looked like when they paused and took a peek.  Tears.  10 minutes.

I gave them optional homework which in itself is a strange thing to suggest to students.  I encouraged them to take 5 to 10 minutes and respond to these two writing prompts.  As I wrote the first on the white board, a student yelped out loud and I turned to see if she was OK.  I'm not sure why she yelped with an Oh no! and I continued to write on the board.  The writing prompts were, "I'm done with . . . , and the second prompt was, "What I need to tell you is . . ."

And they submitted this optional writing.  Powerful self reflections. Strong suffering, quiet suffering - they may have forgotten these dark shadows in their lives.  For each, the resilience to overcome so much.  Insightful reflections and their own awareness of how they have grown and changed over these few years.  I am humbled by this experience in our class, and by their strength and their resolve to survive a chaotic and sometimes not encouraging world.

When I thought about how to continue the class, I sidelined what I had planned in order to make room for deeper listening.  This is an odd way to teach, no doubt, and I know that I will be better for this.  10 minutes at a time.

For the next class, I prepared two more prompts for the optional homework.  I was a bit unsure if I should continue these optional writing assignments.  As I entered the classroom, one of my students said, hey Esther, can we continue to have optional homework?  Sure, you bet.  10 minutes, minute by minute.

Dream Big, Live True

I have been on an amazing journey these last couple of weeks.  I have had the privilege to work with our newest group of student leaders.  Lulú, our assistant director, who filled in for me during the past six months chose some of our best, brightest and most dedicated students to take on this role in our residence hall student leadership team.

I believe this year we may have the most diverse and best team with 14 young people who are passionate, dedicated and committed to building a better and more understanding world.  From each of their own experiences they have witnessed situations enacted by ignorance or unkindness or lack of understanding that caused people to be diminished, to be made fun of, to be humiliated, to be insulted, or to be discriminated.  These students spoke up when they could, acted with firmness and kindness and are passionate about learning how to manage these situations better.  They are committed to making a positive change in our environment.

Most of the situations may range between a lack of awareness of how words and actions can hurt to acts of prejudice, stereotyping and holding biases.  Each year, many more apply for the role of the Cultural Diversity Advocates (CDAs) and to be a team member with our other student leaders on our campus.  This year we filled our 14 positions with the top candidates.

These past two weeks we have been in student leadership training for one week, and then welcomed our early arrival students from international countries and U.S. scholarship students.  With the CDAs' help, encouragement and leadership, we welcomed these first of the new students and started creating a community that believes in the importance of an open and accepting community.  We played games to help "break the ice" - lots of name games, and team games.  We got to share about ourselves and our culture from wherever we are from.  We laughed and played hard.  The journey has begun -  a good start toward a better and more understanding community.  

Click on this link to see a short clip of the training week:  CDA 2012 Training Week

Project 137

Project 137 created by Patti Digh is an amazing community that I have joined.  I love this group's theme of Love Well, Live Fully, Let Go Deeply and Make a Difference. 

Today is our fifth day and I wrote this haiku for our prompt to let go deeply of our day.

fluttering away


slowly peeling each layer 


kissing each with love

release with each beat 


deeply breathing in meaning 


prayer-like offering

filled with gratitude 


looking forward with joy for 


another sun rise

To Every Season . . .

To every season and to the end of summer time is always a lovely time as the fruits and vegetables ripen.  The farmers' market is full of the bounty of our summertime work, and we can rejoice that we've made it through the growing season.  For me, this season is a great reminder of our vulnerability and our dependency on nature for our livelihood.

When I grew up in San Francisco, I was not aware of the seasons and how our food was grown as I never saw a growing plant amidst the "concrete jungle".  We had only one park in Chinatown where the grass was grown in planters, and of course I never saw vegetables or fruit growing in it's natural state.  I still remember the first time that I found green beans hiding under their bush leaves - it seemed like magic to me - that here was how one of my favorite vegetables grew.  They were perfect and looked just like the ones that we bought in the grocery store!  Or the first time when we happened to be on a ranch and we were allowed to climb trees.  We sat in an apricot tree eating fresh heavy juicy fruit straight from the branches, and the juice from the fruit ran down my face and arms.  I still remember the flavor--rich, sweet and so distinct and I knew I was in heaven.  There has never been another apricot to compare with those that I ate ripe out of that tree.

Although we do not have a large garden or fruit trees in our yard, we are fortunate that our neighbors are generous and share with us their cherries and rhubarb.  Sometimes they ask us to take their overabundance, and we are glad to do so.  So this year we tried some new recipes for preserving the fruit and the cheery and rhubarb liqueur seems to be a success.  We're saving a few bottles to be savored this winter when the snow and temperatures are down, and we know we will be sipping the liqueurs and remembering these lazy hot days of summer.