Coming Out

I was honored by my student who shared his essay that he wrote for an event on our campus, "Coming Out Stories".  Today is the National Coming Out day. 

There were many stories that were shared that evening on our campus, and as one other student who told me what he observed during the evening - there were no happy endings where everyone, parents, family, friends lived happily ever aftert.  He said the stories were powerful and most carried pain, confusion, suffering.

And with permission from my student, and in recognition and support of our National Coming Out Day;

BLUE EYES

Maybe it was his deep blue eyes infused with a smirk of green, or his exceptional transcending smile. Or maybe it was the fact that he liked to party, was a smoker, lived out life to the fullest and in the midst of it all he had an indescribable sense of humor. Perhaps it was the fact that he came from a big city like Chicago—who knows, whatever it was Gregory C. had what I needed and wanted most.

What made it even better was that he liked me too. What he saw in me, well no clue—he would say that it had to do with my quirky sense of humor. Looking back I regret allowing someone as incredible as him to simply pass by. The combination of internal and external fear is what kept me away. Gregory brought forth a set of emotions I long oppressed.  For the longest time something within me would tell me that there was still hope and time to be straight. I simply wanted to put distance with homosexuality. I thought if I ignored it long enough then it would soon go away.  I just had to fix the way I acted, the way I thought—in reality all I had to do was be willing to change who I am.

The trade off is best explained by Franz Kafka, it is sometimes safer to live in chains than to be free. In all honesty that is true. Voicing any of these thoughts would liberate me but it would also put me in a place to be hurt by others. I guess I needed to find someone with whom I could open up and truly be vulnerable. With so much going on in my life I didn’t know what to do. But most importantly I had no one around me supporting me along the way. The thoughts soon enough enslaved my happiness. All I wanted was to be heard and to be appreciated.

The opportunity I was looking for was right around the corner. I finally saw relief in my near future. I would soon be visiting a dear friend of mine. I was going to tell him and soon after such a heavy burden would be lifted. I would be liberated. The anticipation of this internal freedom offered the hope of peace I was longing for.  I was going to come out to the right person. He was going to be understanding, he was going to supportive—he would be a person willing to assure me that I was doing well in this new freighting process. Something in me told me that there would be no other best first person to tell. He is someone I trust and respect —to a certain point I was seeking some type of approval that would endorse the fact that me being gay would be okay. It would be okay for the simple fact that I would have someone by my side even if I felt that my world was crumbling to pieces.

I am gay. I said it.  I can’t believe I just told him. This had been the first time I’ve ever said that precise phrase out loud. Before then, all of it was in my mind—it was distant—but now it was real. Now things had changed. Things did in fact change—while his words were affirmative—those words were limited by his actions. I was visiting for a whole week. This week became one I regretted. The way I was treated was compromised by superficial warmth through the means of words, but his actions were compromised by a cold front.

When it came to being around his new friends it seemed that these new friends were in fact better. At that moment I felt like that piece of old furniture collecting dust simply sitting there because that’s all it could do, and soon enough it would be replaced. He was now a different person. Talking about accepting others, wanting change, wanting to voice those under oppression—yet he took on the roll of the oppressor the moment things actually changed.

 See that’s the thing with people, asking for change yet they have no idea what that is going to mean. At any given point we all seek change ideally with it never affecting us.

The way I was treated when I came out made me feel so obsolete, worthless, purposeless, and in all honesty it made me feel like I was going to be replaced by any straight person.

This brings me to now. I am somewhat ashamed. I am confused. Let’s see where life takes me from here.