Loving the Unlovable

In responding to our writing prompt, "In what ways did you extend love to an unlovable person in your life?"on the Project 137-Live Well, Love Fully, Let Go Deeply, I wrote the following;

I remember years ago that I thought about this and decided to call my father. Nothing had happened at that moment, but things had not been the best though they were getting better. Some ups, some downs. And of my own thinking and processing with my husband, I decided to call and let him know that we loved him, that we would always be there and particularly when he got older.

The word "love" to use in our regular conversation was rare, a bit unusual.  In our Chinese language, I'm not sure of the direct translation in Chinese for the word love because I've never used it.  We didn't talk about love or use the term like we do in our regular daily English usage.  I love you.  I love my dog.  I love the weather!  In our English usage, the word is very common.  But in my understanding of Cantonese and in our family, the word and deeper meaning of love - well, I didn't use it like I would use the word in English.  When my mom would speak about her deep love for us, she had many other words that conveyed the same meaning and yes, of course, I knew she "loved" us deeply.

Perhaps deeper in my culture is not the concept of love that is the driver, but the concept of obligation and responsibility.  And though in Western culture, these concepts may seem peripheral, they are concepts that are core to who I am as well as the concept of the action of love, of loving.  To love is to uphold one's obligation and responsibility to its highest order, unquestioning, unconditional, and forever.  It was never so clear as when I decided to call my dad to let him know I was now committing myself to them forever - just in case he was wondering.

I told my dad that he could always count on me and my husband to take care of them in their elder years and we would want them to come live with us, and perhaps more importantly, we would come home and care for them there. We wouldn't uproot them from their beloved Chinatown. 

Bank on it was what I told him expecting that he would be gruff and reject the offer, etc being a bit of a curmudgeon that he was. Dead silence and then I realized that he was crying. I said, dad, what's wrong and he couldn't answer. My mom came on the line and said what did you do? what did you say? and I told her too. And she went silent. Who knew they were worried about this, and she cried too, and told me she was so happy and they worried about this exact thing -being left alone in their old age.  My siblings had moved away.  My parents were feuding with my uncles and aunts, cyclical as happens in families.  And I'm sure they were feeling the loneliness of the absence of a central family.

They weren't unlovable, but they were difficult, and we had had our moments over the years. I got off the phone and told my husband what had happened.  We hugged each other knowing that we were clear of purpose, and that we had in deciding to love and to affirm our obligation and responsibility, we had given a great gift to my parents. Life surprises when you love.

The Louie Family in Disneyland, 1958