Live Fully

Today, one of our writing prompts was to continue practicing NOT fixing anything – people, family, friends, places or things or perhaps even yourself.  Just be a good witness to life.  Don’t fix, don’t offer advice, don't offer solutions – just listen and be.  Don’t be the problem solver, just notice what you notice and let it go.  Observe what happens to them, to yourself.

And here is what I wrote.

I dreamed of dying this early morning. Cancer. I have had cancer and have been in remission for over 10 years.  I know what cancer can look like and in my dream I was impressed with the sense of déjà vu, and the detail of my illness as only happens in dreams.

But this dream was different. I was in advanced stages and I knew that the end would come soon in my dream. When I woke up, gently, not like coming out of a nightmare, there was incredible peace, a sense of letting go of the fear of dying. An acceptance.  

I laid there and told my husband about my dream.  And that I was filled with the wonder and the gift of letting go of the fear of dying.  I am currently in excellent health, and so the dream did not feel like a premonition as much as an insight to my future.

So many have passed on, and I have been fortunate to have been with my father, my mother, and my sister just before they died. Perhaps losing others to death is harder than contemplating my own death. There is no fixing I realize for this end stage of life. And so I am calmed knowing my time will come whenever it is right. I’ve got a lot of living yet to do, and I plan to live fully in each moment.

P.S. I remember at my uncle's funeral last fall, as I was expressing my condolences to my cousin, he said don't worry - they're happy now. There are your relatives and our uncle-he makes a fourth for their mah jong party in the sky. Don't be sad, he said, we'll join them when it is our turn. And I smiled through the service. No fixing, just accepting.