Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

This was a lot tougher than I thought. I thought I would be able to write about you with so much love, affection and humor because all that you have done for me over these many years. After all that I have put you through. I thought I would have stories after stories rolling forward; proving the stalwart role that you have gently played and all the tough love that you have seen me through – so many ups and downs, more than a roller coaster could have incorporated. I thought I would write about the gentleness with which you stayed by me when I was lost in my youth – remember? the angst in my twenties when I could not figure out my purpose in life, my purpose for life, and hung in such delicate balance without any direction for what seemed an eternity? Dear Heart, you soothed me and nurtured me through those times. How could I forget?

I thought about writing the stories of the years of training, of the trials, and of the triumphs when I was fired up and kept you working so hard, getting into better shape with the miles of running and running. You kept my heart muscles strong, growing stronger all over – throughout my body as I added swimming and bicycling -- dreaming of a triathlon. You were my center, the headquarters for all things good and positive for my efforts. You orchestrated to the outer reaches of my being, coordinating each beat, each rhythm down to the efficient pulsing of my lifeblood. You never faltered, did you? You carried on and though you and I were not the fastest, we were steady – I knew that I could go to any lengths with you in my core.

I thought about writing how you’ve been there every step of the way, pushing me forward. The loves of my life, so many wondrous loves – truly the cupid was working in my favor and in cahoots with you! Ah, the loves that filled my life with so much happiness and continues to give me strength to strive for my dreams. The kind of love that builds each other and gives us the confidence to try anything, to reach for the mountain top, and to conquer all things, to work towards harmony, peace for everyone. You beat brightly for me and helped me to use every ounce of love for making our world a better place.

I thought the stories would tumble out so fast and furious, falling all over us. You were there – so many times, keeping me moving, rising each morning with no argument when I thought I would break, shatter from the heartache for the loss of my sister, of my friend Kim, and so many others over the years. You never let me put up walls, no blocking out because of the heartaches. And I then knew you would never desert me when Papa and then Mama died, and it seemed our family was so diminished. I thought I would never recover after each loss, but the steady beat, the thrumming of life continued to course through me – you kept me going beyond what I thought I could endure. Each time, each loss.

So when I sat quietly preparing to write about you, my dear heart, I was surprised now in this third chapter of my life, the stories did not immediately appear. I sat and waited for the memories, the experiences to overwhelm me. But silence, quietness enveloped me. Nothing appeared and I panicked. Come on! I know that my heart has seen me through so much. I know there is so much to tell. But the stillness lingered and then the pace slowed down, and slower even yet.

A sense of blooming awareness within me.  This stillness flowed into a sense of gratitude and awareness. We have been in coordination for all these years and the synchronicity of our movements is our being and knowing, and the stories are continuous and circular. Resting for the moment and appreciating and accepting all that you, dear heart, are to me.

Peace resides in my heart.

In celebration today when my first heart beat started July 6, 1950 in San Francisco, CA